The Fat Weed That Roots Itself
Season 1, Episode 10
Grant Wilkes talks to Pascalle on the beach.
Air date September 13, 2005
Written by James Griffin
Directed by Michael Bennett
Episode guide
When The Blood Burns
It Cannot Come To Good


Pascalle bags herself a real live TV star and Hoochie Mama's finances end up in the wrong pockets.


After a series of crap modeling jobs, reaching their nadir as eye candy at a comic book convention, Pascalle scores a highly paid one-night job as a mermaid, sitting atop a food table at a rich man’s charity night out. There she meets television celebrity, Grant Wilkes. He’s one of those all-round TV celebrities famous only for being famous, who makes documentaries about his own life and appears on various shows about being a celebrity without ever actually doing anything except be a TV celebrity.

Anyway, sparks fly (and Pascalle knows an opening when she sees one) and before too long, Pascalle is having an affair with Grant Wilkes. From her perspective it’s an affair less based on love and more based on her seeing what she can get out of it because, of course, what she wants is to be on TV. Grant has a wife, Sandy, who is another TV celebrity and together they have adopted a set of Russian triplets. Neither wife nor triplets are much of an impediment to either Pascalle or Grant vigorously pursing their affair.

Meanwhile, Hoochie Mama, Cheryl’s lingerie business, strikes a bit of a problem when Kasey gives all the money Cheryl gave her to buy fabric, to her idiot boyfriend who ‘invests’ it on a drug deal. This problem is hugely compounded by the fact the lingerie order they’re trying to fill is for a group of West Auckland female cops. Led by DS Monica Judd (DS Wayne Judd, it would appear, has both a wife and a rather saucy sex life), these cops want their knickers and they want them now. Cheryl must retrieve the money as soon as possible.

Meanwhile Pascalle has her first brush with true fame when paparazzi photos of her and Grant getting busy on the deck of Grant’s Piha beach house get splurged all over a weekly woman’s magazine called Woman’s View.

Unfortunately, fame for Pascalle is not the fame she seeks because she is referred to as the ‘mystery blonde’ – and Pascalle is no one’s ‘mystery blonde’.

So, with Loretta providing the words, and Pascalle providing the pictures, the West girls go to the Woman’s View for a follow-up article ‘Mystery blond speaks out: Pascalle West tells her side of the story’ (as dictated by Loretta).

Unfortunately this turns out to throw a major spanner in the plan: (a) Pascalle becomes officially ‘hot’ because of this and begins to get bigger and better modeling jobs, which means (b) she also gets Grant – who has been thrown out of the house by Sandy -coming around and declaring his love for her. Apparently he never realized until he read the things that she said in the magazine that Pascalle felt that way.

A falling TV celebrity in the middle of a mid-life crisis is not what Pascalle needs in her life right now.

Meanwhile Cheryl is on the case of the missing money. Eventually she discovers it has been given to a man called Luther Wallace. This is a bit of a stroke of luck for Cheryl because she’s known Luther since he was a baby – she used to bounce him on her knee while she was drinking gin with Luther’s mum.

Unfortunately Luther Wallace appears to have evolved somewhat from cute little baby into a rather fearsome shadowy criminal underworld figure. This does not deter Cheryl in the slightest – she’s quite happy to march up to Luther’s house and ask for the money back.

This she does.

And walks straight into the middle of a drug bust, where she’s saved by DS Wayne Judd, who throws her into the bushes, thus keeping her out of the line of fire. Luther, he reveals, is now West Auckland’s biggest P (methamphetamine) cook.

Judd is, however, moved by her story of this lost money and how if she doesn’t get the money back, her business will go down the tank. Cheryl, meanwhile, discovers that Monica is Wayne’s ex-wife – and the naughty knickers are not destined to be enjoyed by him. Something of a bond is built between the two of them.

This bond is reinforced when, through means that aren’t entirely legal, Judd does the honorable thing and returns Cheryl’s money.

Meanwhile, as Pascalle anguishes over what to do with her unwanted suitor, she discovers that the whole Grant thing has been set up by Sandy, who used Pascalle as bait to publicly humiliate Grant so she could get a better divorce settlement out of him.

The episode ends with Sandy offering Pascalle a deal for fame and fortune. In return she has to take Grant back into her life with the object being to publicly humiliate him as much as possible.

After considering it for about a second, Pascalle accepts the deal.